On the road to being a Bike Racer

Last Wednesday was my last real day of my day job.  Trying to train properly isn't happening while I am working 40 hours a week. It was a hard decision to take a leave of absence from the job that utilizes the degree I just invested in, but in the long run, I can always be a data monkey.  This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

World Championships

On Tuesday, they announced the World Championships team.  I guess since it's published they can't take my name off the list!

This is a big opportunity for me.  I had six weeks to prepare for Nationals (after getting sick). I have a little more than 16 weeks to get ready for Worlds.  There are four camps in Carson in January to prepare for the competition.

Here is the information for the World Championships:
http://paracyclingla2012.com/folders.asp?uid=1

Wise Words

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”  
 Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Things have gotten real really quickly. I am starting to worry about money and health insurance and whether at almost 32 years old I want to start this endeavor. This seems like an incredibly selfish endeavor and one that I am risking a lot to pursue. This quote caught my attention at first because I don't feel like I am giving back what God has given me.

But then I remind myself that very few people in the world get to compete in the World Championships, even the National Championships, and maybe the Paralypmics. How can I pass up that opportunity? If I truly believe that God will take care of me and he created this world for us to seize and experience, then how can I say no? How can I do anything but put on my shoes and try my hardest? And who is to say that, despite my constant protests that I AM not an inspiration, there isn't someone that will not listen to the can'ts of having physical limitations and instead see the blessings and experiences that those limitations can bring?

Track Nats

Track Nationals...I can't say that I am 100% happy with my performance, but it is what it is and I have to move on.

My track bike, Zoey, looking pretty in her race wheels

On Thursday, I raced with the elites in a 500m time trial.  I rode a 50.1.  I needed to get under 50 seconds to have a shot at being on the worlds team.  I was disappointed, but knew I had another time trial on Sunday.

 On Friday morning, I woke up and I felt good.  The first song that played on the radio was Coldplay's "Para-dise."  Ha!

I was freaking out a little bit when I got to ADT, so I took Pink Bike outside for a little spin in the parking lot.  I am very superstitious about seeing Notre Dame things.  If I lived in Chicago, the superstition would be useless because ND stuff is EVERYWHERE, but you don't see a lot of cars with Notre Dame stickers in SoCal. This was in the parking lot:

Must mean good things are coming!

On Friday I raced a 3k pursuit in the morning.  We hadn't focused on the pursuit at all, so there was no pressure. I just needed to do as well as I could.  This was my best race of the weekend.  When I was finished, I collapsed - always a good sign of a good race. The emerging time standard for the 3k is 5:09.  I got 5:10. I was the only C3 competing, so I won the National Championship jersey.  Oh well, Sunday was the most important day. 

Official results 

Gold medal in 3k pursuit

Yeah, we need to work on my podium efforts.

I woke up Sunday morning and pus was dripping out of my right ear.  I went to the track and had the EMTs clean it out.  I warmed up. I did a couple of good starts and efforts.  Right before the races started the officials came over and told me that I was being reclassed as a C4.  First of all, this meant that I was racing someone and I was the lower seed, so I would start on the backside.  We already know that I don't start well on the backside. In addition, this meant that I was racing against a much lower (lower meaner faster) time standard. I didn't do a good of preparing for the race.  There were a lot of people there that I knew (my family, etc.) and so I tried to play it cool. As a result, I was unfocused at the start line.  I false started once.  That threw me off.  The race itself was pathetic.  I knew I needed to do well, but I didn't.  I finished with a 51.15 (or something like that).  Emerging for C3, but nowhere near emerging for C4 and clearly not under 50 seconds.

But all is not lost.  In the conversations about my class preceding my race from Sunday, my attendance at the World Championships was discussed.  I don't want to jinx it, so I am not going to say anything.  Fingers crossed.

Every time I see this photo I am reminded of how stupid we all look.

Chris and Pax - Chris deserves his own medal for putting up with Pax and I for an entire weekend!

Pax warming up on my pink road bike.

Couldn't have said it better myself..

You need a man, not a boy!

Do you See Three?

If you read about road nats (but I don't care because I am over it! Repeat three times!), then you know that my classification is all up in the air.  "Most" people seem to think I am a C3, which would be awesome because there are no other women C3s on the National Team or in the US and there are very few in the world.

Coach was in Colorado Springs last week and had a chance to talk to the National Team coaches.  Instead of racing as a C4 at Track Nats, they acknowledged that the classification at road nats was a little screwy and they allowed me to change my classification to C3.  Although it isn't an official classification, that means that the standards I am racing towards are higher (that's good).  We moved from 98% improbable to 97% improbable. I'll take it.

My Favorite Words

Most of the time, I'm unsure if I'm making the "right" decisions. I remind myself daily that I am blessed to have the world open to me and have the option of making so many decisions.

I try to make decisions based upon these words:

If you work really hard and you're kind. Amazing things will happen.

I figure if I make decisions based upon love for others and not being afraid to work hard, I can't go wrong. Thanks Conan!

The Gospel of the Honey Badger

This is my FAVORITE video EVER!!!!!

"Oh look it runs backwards!"

"The honey badger doesn't give a sh*t"

Update

It occurred to me (after someone emailed me), that if you haven't heard the saga of the last few months you have no idea what's going on here. I started a blog a little over a year ago to communicate about a trip to Europe.  That was a great trip and now I'm on another adventure.

Road Nationals

(don't mind my finger!)

I never really wrote after the Road Nationals because it was a complete debacle.  But I think I need to get it all out and move on.  I need stop thinking about it.  The overall experience - of being with J1 and J2 and Super Blind was incredible! I miss them every day of my life. See post below The Clique. But the racing side, not so hot.

First of all, let's get this straight that we AREN'T talking about the Special Olympics. In my own special way, I might some day qualify for the Special Olympics. Perhaps most likely in the finding where you are and where you are going competition. But this is the Paralympics, the branch of the actual Olympics in which those of us with disabilities are allowed to compete against one another. In an attempt to level the field, the classify us by our disabilities.  There are handcyclists, tricyclists and those of that ride upright bikes.  People who are visually impaired ride tandem bikes - with a sighted "Pilot" (the person in the front) and a blind stoker.  I fit into the upright category, which is called C. There are five different rankings for C, C1 (most disabled) to C5 (least disabled, in most cases there is nothing wrong with her lower body, but she may have an arm amputation, etc.).  You race against people that are "like" you.

The day before the time trial four of us went to go get classified.  I was the second to last person of the day two classifying event. The classifiers were not suited for cycling.  One was from Canada and were not sure what she does and the other was a PT (we all know how I feel about PT) that had done classifying in swimming.  So J1 and J2 go in and come out. They are classified as C5 (most abled), neither of them thinks he fits this class. I go in, the nationals coach hopes I'm a C3 and I do too. They barely talked to me and told me I was a C4, one point away from a C5.  Well....shoot, really?  I am one point away from having normal legs?!  Why didn't someone tell me that?!?!?!?!? That pair of legs would have been a lot more helpful along the way in my life!!!!!

Sign from the basketball kids camp

So suddenly I was racing for a much faster time, against a much faster girl.  I had trained to hit a certain time.  My mind was a disaster - the day before this huge race.  On Thursday, was the time trial. It was 8,000,000 degrees in Augusta at the Strom Thurmmond Damn.  But thankfully, near the para start time it started to rain and cooled things down.  It wasn't a good race. I ran off the road once. I got passed by everyone and their mothers.  I threw up on myself.  It was all over disgusting.

Then I got pulled by the US Anti-Doping agency to be tested.  So this small little woman followed me around until I could pee in a cup in front of her!  Hooray!  Thankfully, so many hospitalizations have made peeing in some small receptacle nearly acceptable for me.

Hooray! My pee!  (and for those who wondered, I was cleared from doping!)

I had a day of rest because I didn't compete in the crit, but Saturday was the road race and that darned thing is hilly.  I got dropped right off the get go on the first steep hill. I hung the whole race with a C2. She claims we "worked together" but I think I did the majority of the pulling there.  In the final 500m we sprinted and I technically "won," even though we weren't really racing against one another because we are from different classes.

 I got second place in both the time trial and the road race.  And some people may say I should stop there.  But I think it's important to say, I got second out of two!  So I got second and last place all at the same time.

Here's a picture on the podium after the road race:

Next year, I'm going to show up to road nats and I'll know what's coming. And I'm going to make sure if I get second, I earn that freaking place - I don't get it out of default!

The Little Black Box

Throughout my entire life, I've been sad/angry about things. But you're not supposed to let those things eat at you - so I've learned to let them go.  Or most of them.  This past week has been torturous for me. I have too much time at work to stalk the paracycling world.  I've got excel spreadsheets listing all of the possible people in possibly classes I could compete against.  I know who's going to what games.  There *might* be a regression equation somewhere listing all the variables I need to pay attention to in order to get the time I need. It all gets me in a huff puff.  I'm working my ass over here - giving up being with friends, family and Notre Dame football. And then random shit happens and it's all blown out of the water.

I want to preface my black box statement with the fact that this is hard for me to write. I try to let things go....move on, be nice and kind and only control what I can control.

There are a few things that still really make me angry.  I keep my last full leg brace in a cabinet in my house. Every so often, I bring it out and a rush of bad memories floods through my body.  So, next week, for Lucas Factor (I'm sure I could look him up on Facebook), who called me Peg Legs in the third grade, this race is for you. For the times I wanted to play soccer and baseball and I wasn't allowed; this ones for you.  For times they made me run the mile in Junior High PE and I came in dead last EVERY week because I can't run!  For every single dance that I said no to because I didn't want to disgrace a boy having to take a girl who couldn't wear high heels and  for every, every event in the future where'll I'll be the only woman in flats.  For all of the times I wanted to play soccer with the kids, but I was stuck in adapated PE.  For all the boys I didn't feel I was good enough to say yes to a date because I am a liability, not an asset.  For Sister Pat who didn't understand a damned thing about me and nearly ruined my time at Notre Dame.  Few people have ever told me I can't do what I want.  This time, just like every other time, I will say I can. I will be a winner.  I will earn what I deserve.

I have a tiny tiny scar on my right upper arm.  It's hard to see and sometimes I worry because it's getting harder to see. But I know it's there  The scar is from my PICC line.  I hate that stupid thing. I hate that it ruined my chances to go to University of Chicago - the best school in my graduate field and specialization; on a full-ride. It makes me angry that it hurt so god-damn badly and there was nothing they could do. It makes me mad that I was so sick for so long or why there was a hole in my leg that went to the bone  and no one knew what to do. But it also reminds me that I trained for a century while connected to an IV for 24-hours a days for 8-weeks.  Just take off the pump, connect it to a saline syringe and you've got a good hour ride before you need to reconnect to antibiotics.

Above all, I don't like to lose to someone I clearly should beat.  So that race at Nationals is for that. For "losing" to any one who wasn't good enough.  You'll be sorry.  You'll see me up on the podium at some international competition and your fat ass will be sitting watching some lame reality show.  You and sister Pat can sit together and think about just how wrong you were about me.  And I'll be the best in the world.  I will have no regrets and you will only have regrets. So f* you too.

I don't want to be angry, but when I started looking inside for those things that make me angry...they're still there. I know the combination and when the time comes to unlock it - I'll know the code.

A lot of things "happened" on the way to Nationals

Road Nationals - June 2011

I was reading the book, Outliers, and there is a chapter about how people like to believe that a certain few people have exceptional talent, etc that help them rise to the top (like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs).  The point of the chapter was that 10,000 hours seems to be the magic number that people practice something to be really really really "good" at it.   But the other point of the chapter is that all of those people had "random" things happen to them along the way that helped them get to where they are.  For example, Gates lived near UW that was one of the only universities to have a reprogrammable computer and his parents moved him to a school (without knowing)where the parents raised money specifically to support time for HS students at UW and someone he worked with there happened to know someone at Northrup G that needed a cheap summer intern.

Next week is a long shot...and I'm far from 10,000 hours....BUT I happened to randomly get picked to be the only athlete that Super Blind has ever roomed with and she happened to have just put her guide dog to sleep which gave us an extra bond. She has been a real source of encouragement and friendship. And I picked Coach because I liked him and he happens to actually specialize in track.  And I happen to live super close to ADT.  And I happened to find that track bike in my size that I could use my gimpy charm to get at a good price.  .....that's a lot of "happened"s!!!!!!!

       My new track bike, Zoey

I am trying to remind myself that next week doesn't define who I am or my self-worth (reminded daily by Gramps), but I do want to do well.  I've trained hard.  I could be a few pounds lighter.  I could have lifted a little harder.  But overall, I don't think there is much I could have done, at this point in the game, to make myself go any faster.

It's the first step

Today was the first day in my "new" training with a real coach!

His selling point on why he thinks he's good working with female athletes: "I'm not a creeper, I won't try to pick up on you!"

We need to work on that selling point Daggs!

The Clique

Camp at the National Championships was much different from the development camp.  First of all, the stakes were high.  We weren't doing some hokey time trial at Fiesta Island.  This was for the National Championship and we were racing against the national team.

I'll write about racing later.  But the most important part of camp this time was my friends.  At the last camp, I roomed with the camp director, also known as Super Blind. We bonded over the mouse incident in our room and that is when we sucked in The J's (J1 and J2 for security reasons).   Since San Diego, we have emailed and talked, solidifying our friendships. At this camp, we became the people I despise.  We were always together.  We let others jump in but the four of us were always together.

A producer is making a documentary about J1.  She asked him how we had become so close in such a short period of time. If you took people you have spent some time with, threw you in a highly emotional and physically draining situation, you'd have the seeds.  Then discard all clothes and be completely naked for a week.  That is how close we are.  I can't answer that question other than that we get each other.  Between the four us, we have one complete and functioning body.  We've been through pain and heartbreak and much more.  In the real world, we work hard to disguise our weaknesses because others don't understand.  But together, you don't need to explain.  You don't need to explain why you beat your feet on the floor to go to sleep in the van on the way home from a race. It's OK to laugh if someone accidentally puts Icy Hot on his balls, instead of chamois cream (well, we shouldn't laugh, but we did!).  You dont need to explain why you sometimes taking medicine is the only way to escape from reality.  No one needs to explain away when someone can't get out a complete sentence.  There is no need to apologize for not being able to get off your bike at the end of the race and when you finally do, no response (except laughter) is needed when you fall over.  You don't need to explain how biking is the one thing that we can all do that opens some door for us.  For me, it's a chance to use legs.  For the J's, it's a chance to reclaim the mythical men they once thought they would be.  For Super Blind, well, she won a gold medal and it's a chance for her to change people's lives.

These two men and one Super Blind woman mean the world to me.  I've never had friends that understand for real.  If I never pedaled another mile in my life, it would all be worth it because I met them.  I love you guys.

How Did I End Up Here?

About a week ago, I had a freak out about going to Nationals.  I've only really raced my bike one time.  My goal was to make the Talent Pool time at Nationals.  But since I made it at the State Time Trial, I now felt the pressure to make the National Team time (I need to drop 5 seconds per kilometer, a rough sell).  I couldn't sleep.  My stomach felt queasy (that didn't keep me from eating!).  People have invested time and resources and support into this endeavor.  I'm racing against The National Team. What if I fail?

But someone pointed out to me (making her $45,000 investment in that graduate degree SO worth it!), that not many people rise up so quickly.  In two months, I've gone from being nowhere on the Paralympic radar, to racing (if that is what we are going to call it) at Nationals.

Most of the time, and correctly, people don't think of me as a "disabled person" (or whatever the politically correct term is for "us people."  And the truth is, I don't think of myself as being disabled either.  Sure, I have friends in LA because of my blue placard that allows me to find parking or park in meters for free.  But most of the time I never think about having some limitations.  Some things are always going to be impossible (running, jumping, etc.), but for the most part, I get to "do what I want."  

At camp a few months ago, it was eye-opening to me to be around other people that have disabilities.  I was one of the only athletes who doesn't know any different.  In some ways, I feel incredibly blessed to have no idea what it feels like to be "normal."  This is the way I am.  

But the flip of side of never feeling disabled is that I often don't give myself credit for the things that I've accomplished and how far I've come.  A little more than a month ago, it was my 29th anniversary of getting sick.  Some wise person told my parents to keep a scrapbook of my four months in the hospital. At the time, I'm sure it seemed outrageous that anyone would ever want to remember that time in my life.  But now that book is very important to me. It is the only recollection I have of how sick I really was.

And so....a trip back to 1982 when I became "acquainted" with Guillain Barre Syndrome:

On the other flip side, my disability has given me this incredible opportunity.  It takes athletes years and years and years to get where I am now.  The field is small and I work really hard.

Ummm...ya....

Any one know how to train for this differential?

F* you South!!!!