Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I woke up this morning and realized that my life is about to significantly change. I turned in the letter to terminate my lease for my apartment. I told my boss that I am going to take a leave of absence. I fired the coach that I started with and who helped me get to where I am now. I hired a new coach who seems to have a lot of things that I need in order to take me to the next level.
I have learned so much over the past year. Going into to Track Worlds I had NO idea what I was doing. I thought I could win races just by riding my bike. Road Nationals, well let's not go there. I had some down time from July until now. I rode my bike. I got car doored. I got sick. I tried to figure out who I wanted to be as an athlete.
As part of the process of figuring out who I am as an athlete, I found that deep down, there is a black box of anger that I had hidden for most of my life. I don't want to be angry. But I was. And sometimes I still am. I tried to use that as a motivation. Sometimes it worked, but most of the time I didn't harness the anger properly and it backfired. So going forward, I am going to choose love. I choose to love my teammates. I am going to choose to love riding my bike. It isn't an activity to punish myself with, but an activity to push my limits and appreciate what my body can do for me.
I'm sure there are days the hate will resurface. But I am going to make a concerted effort to choose love.