Thursday, August 28, 2014

On growing up....

I'm not sure that anyone reads this blog anymore, and I don't really care.  But I still want to use this space to record my thoughts.

My life is radically different than it was 3, 6, 12 months ago.  I got a new job. The one I wanted!  I moved.  I'm moving in with my boyfriend (still weird to even say that word!).  We are raising a guide dog puppy.   Everything in my life seems to be going well.

But it's so hard to make decision on your own when you know you are disappointing people.  I'm working on getting over that.  It's also hard to work in a rigid environment.  But I'm working on getting over that as well.  

I wake up every morning and remember that I am in charge of me being happy. And if I make choices with the purpose of loving and being happy, then I truly believe things will work out.  For now, it's a daily thing. Hopefully it will become a habit.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
e.e. cummings

Saturday, March 1, 2014

What a difference a year makes

Last year, on March 1,  I left my desk job behind.  I walked out of the door of my steady, secure job (with health benefits) to pursue the idea of being a bike racer.  I moved home with my parents.  I sold all of my furniture, but everything else in boxes.  I kept out yoga pants, some t-shirts and my kits.  After two years of working full-time and attempting to train full-time, I took the risk of becoming a professional athlete.

The past year has been challenging. In some ways, it has been a "vacation" from real life. I didn't have to get up and shower and look presentable every day.  But I struggled to ride my bike now that it was my job.  I struggled with losing to an opponent, the disappointment of not making the World Cup teams and the sadness of missing out on a competition for which I had trained several months.  But I learned a lot about myself.  I learned that I need to give my body more rest than I have in the past.  I learned that not every second of every day has to be filled with "busy-ness."  I learned to love myself a little bit more.

Today, on March 1, 2014, I still don't have a regular, full-time job.  I quit bike racing a few months ago.  I didn't get a job that I was sure was mine. The future worries me.  I don't know where I will work or what I will do or when I won't have to worry about health insurance.  I don't know where I will live or what I will do about bikes.  But I do know that the past year was a part of my learning trajectory.

I will never forget the admiration I gained for professional athletes. Watching the Olympic Games in Sochi was a totally different experience. I knew that the Games were not about the spectators, the media medal count and not always about the winners. Each athlete that was there was fulfilling a dream.  And there were just as many, if not more athletes that were sitting at home on their couches, mourning the lost opportunity that they will no have a chance to attain for another four years.

But I am ready to move forward.  I am learning to be OK with uncertainty.  I am certain of a few things.  I am grateful for my family who has supported me, especially my uncle and my parents.  I am eager to give back to the world, instead of take from it.  I excited to love people and receive love in return.

So much has changed in a year. And I expect things to change and be so much better on March 1, 2015.