Every girl can wear a white dress, only a few can wear a national team uniform

As I creep towards the aged spinster, I wonder (a lot) about whether I am making the right decision in pursuing this cycling dream.  A lot of people have asked if I will try to make Rio 2016 if I don’t make London 2012. And the answer is a tentative Yes.

For my entire life I’ve been in pursuit of the “next thing.”  In high school, it was going to a good college. In college, it was doing service and finding a career that I found fulfilling. After college, things got more complicated as there was rarely a “next thing.” So I went back to graduate school, where the next thing became getting a good job.  But then I settled in to the routine of a job and I was unfulfilled. I had friends, and a church that I enjoyed. I had nothing to be unfulfilled about.  But there wasn’t a goal that lies ahead.  And then I stumbled my sorry, unfit butt into development camp and made a pathetic showing at Road Nationals – and BAM! I had a new goal.  I went to track nationals, was selected to go to Track Worlds and now I want to do well at Road Nationals/Parlaympic Trials in Augusta, GA.

Will I make it to London?  Probably not.  The odds are stacked against me.  Six women want one spot.  Am I closer than I was last year at this time?  Of course. I understand what it takes to get a spot, I just need a little more time.  I’ve come leaps and bounds from where I started. Cycling provides me not only with a “next thing,” but also with a way to challenge my body and mind.

What about getting married?  There was a time when this was my goal. I love children and would love to have children of my own. And maybe I should focus on that part of my life more.  But I’d like to believe that there is someone who would understand this crazy obsession and would choose to be a part of it.  Relationships have fallen apart because I am tired from riding, I need recovery time.  I don’t necessarily feel like dressing up and going out on a Saturday after I’ve ridden for five hours. If you don’t understand that part of my life, then you probably don’t belong there. 

And so I return to the title of this post.  Not to belittle or demean getting married, I’d love to get married.  But for now, when I pull on that National Team kit and see what lies ahead (as gruesome and painful as that might be), I’m satisfied without the white dress.

John Paul II

For my birthday I asked for the book of daily thoughts, Love is the Explanation for Everything.  Hidden inside (I didn't know until I was skimming through it), there is a meditation for cyclists.

"The pursuit of sports always reminds us of the ideals of human and Christian virtues, which not only contribute to physical and mental training, but promote and encourage strength and moral and spiritual greatness.  Sports are a school for loyalty, courage, tolerance, will power, solidarity, and team spirit.  All of these natural virtues are, frequently, the foundation upon which other supernatural virtues are consolidated.


In your lives as professional cyclists and in your family and social responsibilities, do not forget to put into practice that series of small and great acts of self-control, simplicity, honesty and respect for others that are in the arena of sports.  Shun all that disloyalty, deceit, and cheating because that degrades your profession and diminished you in the eyes of God."


Speech to the Spanish Cycling Team
June 10, 1985

In researching this statement, I found the John Paul II Foundation for Sport.  As always JPII never fails to disappoint.

Time Trial

Today was the first time trial I've done on the road since....well, since Augusta last year.  I wasn't particularly well-prepared.  I haven't been sleeping real well because of random nerve pain.  The last week wasn't a pretty training week.  I had to concentrate just on making the legs pedal, rather than any sort of power goals or training intervals. Work has been  stressful because I have a new boss and trying to balance work and training is becoming more and more difficult.

When my alarm went off at 3am, I really wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. But I pulled myself out of bed, threw on clothes and set off for San Diego.

My antipathy towards the entire race didn't subside as I set up my trainer, in the dark, at Fiesta Island.  My disdain for time trials (well, that's not true, I like racing against the clock the most) didn't decrease when I put on my skinsuit and the ridiculous helmet and shoe covers.  I rode over to the start line, not quite sure what to expect from my legs.

And so I set off - 7:18:30am.  At least I passed the trike and the 90 year old man!  I kept pedaling.  I lost all type of feedback from legs besides pain around midway through the second lap.  So I just kept pedaling, trying to monitor my effort through my heart rate.  I didn't think it was going too well.  But I kept pedaling, trying to feel the pressure/power on the pedals.

I rolled in at 34:43 when all is said and done.  That is 1:44/k.  The national standard is 1:47/k.  97% of the standard.  Not too bad.  Last May I rode the same exact course at around 39 minutes.

I am strangely disconnected from this result.  I should be elated.  This is the first time I've ridden the national standard on the road.  It may be due, in part, to my exhaustion from lack of sleep.  Or as I get further and further into this world of paralympic cycling, I am expecting these results from myself.

It's about what you love

If you have talked to me since Worlds, you know that I struggled with a fantastic case of demotivation and general disdain for everything. I didn't want to ride my bike. I didn't want to look at my bike.  There are a lot of reasons that this happened and I've been working on digging myself out of this hole.

The following blog has some suspect recommendations (esp regarding nutrition), but the guy went to Notre Dame and his posts pop up in my LinkedIn account.

The Myth of Discipline

My favorite part of the article is: "There is no such thing as discipline. There is only love. Love is the most powerful creative force in the universe. You are the result of what you love most. You either love finely etched muscular abs more than donuts or you love donuts more than wash board abs you could do your laundry on. It is as simple as that. Don’t beat yourself up that you have no discipline or further drown yourself in a sea of refined carbs. Admit that you like crappy food more than you love strength."

What is it that you love?  This is the question that I've been asking myself.   Today was the first day in a LONG time that I enjoyed riding my bike. In terms of training, it wasn't a stellar ride.  But in terms of my mind, it was exactly what I need.  After five hours of beautiful weather and great riding, I remembered that I do love riding my bike. And sometime it's not the actual bike riding.  Instead it's loving strength that I feel growing in my legs.  It's loving knowing that I am getting better.  It's loving the desire to be better, feel better and earn my place on the National Team.

The near future requires me to make decisions. I want to let love help me choose the path I take.

Track Worlds

This past weekend I competed in the Paracyling Track World Championships. It was my first international race.

To be perfectly honest, I was terrified going into the first camp.  I almost threw up as I pulled in to the Home Depot Center.  It was hard.  There were a lot of times I didn't feel like I could ride as hard as I was supposed to. There were times that I was disappointed with my performances.  But as each day passed, I became more confident and ready to compete at the next level.  I feel extremely blessed to have two friends at camp. Slowly I made more friends on the team, but I will be forever grateful to FF* and G for their encouragement, answering my stupid questions, loaning me gears (I promise to give them back) and making me feel a part of the team.  Rumor has it FF may have done some laundry for me at some point!

After a month of preparation with the National Team (and getting team clothes, (woohoo! No longer a second class team member), we entered the final camp that would lead us into the competition. 

As teams from other countries began arriving at the hotel, it all became even more real.  But the first big hurdle I had to get through was classification.  Now, we all know that classification was a difficult experience at Road Nationals.  I was classified as a C4 and told I was one point from being a C5 (C5 is the least disabled and C1 is the most disabled).  I had all of my ducks in a row. I had a gimpy speech prepared and all the reasons that my disability affected my riding. I guess I did a better job than I expected because the international classifiers decided I was a C2.  I was a little shocked to hear this.  Personally, this is better for my long term trajectory as the C2 time standards are lower and the competition should be a little slower.  From the perspective of the team, it would be better if I was a C3.    

I raced on Thursday and Saturday. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I was going to be. In fact, the 500m race on Thursday went extremely well. I placed sixth out of ten, while not stellar I accomplished my goal of finally beating someone in a bike race.  My time of 47.49 also qualified me for the National B team and was a PR by almost 4 seconds.  Thursday did not go so well. I also placed sixth in the 3k pursuit with a time of 4:44.  This was a few seconds off of the national standard and 3 seconds off of fifth place.  

A video of one of my races...

This is what I looked like after the race.

I'm proud of my first international race. Some things could have gone better (like being able to hear my splits during my 3k), but I didn't embarrass myself, I made a national standard (and thus the national team) and I didn't crash into the infield.

LA Times article

LA Times Article

It's all about the clothes, right?

Back in the day (like April), before all of my disposable income went to bikes, I loved the store Anthropologie. I like clothes. Now I can only walk past the storefront and remember a time when I wore more than spandex.

Last night, I got something I could never buy at Anthro: my team clothes. At the last camp, those of us that were new didn't have team clothes. Even at dinner one night, a waiter asked why we didn't match the rest of the team. I received a backpack full of USA clothes. This morning as I pulled on my USA Paralympic kit, I felt pride and some sort of fulfillment for all of my hard work. I know that I got here faster than some, but that doesn't take away any of the pride that you feel when you wear those colors in public for the first time.

There are a lot of things that I am sentimental about in my life. Most of the time, sports isn't a place to be a "girl" about things. Winning means pedaling faster and you don't pedal faster for any other reason than you work harder. Mean Coach bought me a "Man Up" shirt for a reason. But along the way, my girlness has some benefits. Everyone (just about) has the same track bag and do they often get confused. I wanted to put a patch on mine to mark it as mine. I asked a friend to look for a Notre Dame patch when he was at a game. The bookstore didn't have any - but a week later a strange package arrived from somewhere that is not South Bend. In it was a Notre Dame patch that my friend had ordered for me from eBay. Every time I see that patch I remember that he is rooting for me and pedal just a little bit faster! Thanks ChooChoo!!!!

Be careful what you pray for!

A few months ago, I sat on my road bike on the trainer in the infield of ADT velodrome and I was fervently wishing/praying/hoping that I would race fast enough to qualify for the World Championship team.  As I got bumped up to a C4, the National team coach came over and seemed to say that I had good chance of a discretionary nomination.  I raced, it didn't go well and I didn't know how to feel. I waited for the team to be announced.  A week later, the official announcement came and my name was on the list!  Woohoo!!!!!!

And then reality set in.  I've been seriously training on the track for about four months and in six weeks I'll be competing for my country for IPC points.  Points that could send another athlete to London or allow another country to take their own athlete.

Training since Nationals has been OK.  I was on track and then early in December I got the stomach flu and go sent home from training camp in San Diego. I was not pleased.   The three weeks following that were difficult on the legs.  They seem to be coming back now.

Tomorrow I will start my first training camp with the National Team.  I am scared out of my mind.  All of the thoughts of death and dismemberment that I had when I went to development camp in April may very well come true!  Development camp is all happy fun time!  Yay! We can go to the Paralympics!  Hooray bike riding!  Look at me at the OTC!!!  Now shit is getting real.  It's make or break time.

Training Camp and my Full Cup

This past week I was supposed to train for a week in San Diego with two members of the National team.  Unfortunately, on Saturday I woke up sick.  I thought I was better on Monday and headed down to San Diego.  Not so much.  The ride on Tuesday was not so good.  I'm not good at climbing - we know this.  I probably carry a few extra pounds for a climber and my legs just don't have the gusto (yet) to climb for very long.  I wasn't holding down any calories and even water wasn't staying down.  But I finished the four hour ride.  On Wednesday, we were supposed to ride with a large group of "normal" people. I made it to the start point, barely.  Then on the first hill coach told me that I was done and needed to go home.

Now, for those of you who know me in "real life," I don't handle being told that I can't or shouldn't do something.  So I cried for the next ten miles, then started to push it a little bit and started throwing up again.  At the end of the ride, Coach told me again that I needed to go home and get better.  In my mind, I was being a quitter. I don't quit. If I said I was going to do something - then for the love of all that is good and Holy - I am going to do it.  I was mad, disappointed and my feelings were hurt that he didn't think I could do it.

But I headed home and slept for most of Thursday and Friday.  I rode a little on Friday and then I did a three hour ride today.  I guess I was a little sick and it probably was the best decision to rest.  I'm still not happy about that decision.  I wanted to learn from the people I was riding with.  Just in the two days that I rode with them, I learned so much - just by watching what gears they rode in, what they ate; mostly stuff that is common sense to people who have been racing for years.  But not to me.

Today, in mass, Msgr told a story about a professor and a master.  The professor asked the master how he could be happy in life.  The master got up and made some tea.  He brought the tea pot over and began to pour the tea into the professor's cup.  He kept pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring.  The cup began to overflow.  Then the tea began to cascade down the table.  At some point, the professor asked the master what on earth he was doing!  The master replied that we are all like the cup - we are filled with "stuff."  We are filled with our opinions and thoughts and judgments.  Until we learn to empty ourselves of all of that, we can't be filled with the knowledge of others.

This story meant a lot to me because I was really mad that I got sent home. I COULD have trained all week.  I know I could have pushed through. And in my mind, that was the right thing to do.  But I didn't stop to think that maybe Coach knows more than I do - and he does. I was so full of my own thoughts and ideas about the week I wasn't able to see what was happening to my own body, listen to someone else and do the right thing.  Thankfully, I trust my coach enough to realize that he does more than me and I listened.  Not before I made a big fool of myself by throwing a temper tantrum and being all grumpy for a few days.

On the road to being a Bike Racer

Last Wednesday was my last real day of my day job.  Trying to train properly isn't happening while I am working 40 hours a week. It was a hard decision to take a leave of absence from the job that utilizes the degree I just invested in, but in the long run, I can always be a data monkey.  This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

World Championships

On Tuesday, they announced the World Championships team.  I guess since it's published they can't take my name off the list!

This is a big opportunity for me.  I had six weeks to prepare for Nationals (after getting sick). I have a little more than 16 weeks to get ready for Worlds.  There are four camps in Carson in January to prepare for the competition.

Here is the information for the World Championships:
http://paracyclingla2012.com/folders.asp?uid=1

Wise Words

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”  
 Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Things have gotten real really quickly. I am starting to worry about money and health insurance and whether at almost 32 years old I want to start this endeavor. This seems like an incredibly selfish endeavor and one that I am risking a lot to pursue. This quote caught my attention at first because I don't feel like I am giving back what God has given me.

But then I remind myself that very few people in the world get to compete in the World Championships, even the National Championships, and maybe the Paralypmics. How can I pass up that opportunity? If I truly believe that God will take care of me and he created this world for us to seize and experience, then how can I say no? How can I do anything but put on my shoes and try my hardest? And who is to say that, despite my constant protests that I AM not an inspiration, there isn't someone that will not listen to the can'ts of having physical limitations and instead see the blessings and experiences that those limitations can bring?

Track Nats

Track Nationals...I can't say that I am 100% happy with my performance, but it is what it is and I have to move on.

My track bike, Zoey, looking pretty in her race wheels

On Thursday, I raced with the elites in a 500m time trial.  I rode a 50.1.  I needed to get under 50 seconds to have a shot at being on the worlds team.  I was disappointed, but knew I had another time trial on Sunday.

 On Friday morning, I woke up and I felt good.  The first song that played on the radio was Coldplay's "Para-dise."  Ha!

I was freaking out a little bit when I got to ADT, so I took Pink Bike outside for a little spin in the parking lot.  I am very superstitious about seeing Notre Dame things.  If I lived in Chicago, the superstition would be useless because ND stuff is EVERYWHERE, but you don't see a lot of cars with Notre Dame stickers in SoCal. This was in the parking lot:

Must mean good things are coming!

On Friday I raced a 3k pursuit in the morning.  We hadn't focused on the pursuit at all, so there was no pressure. I just needed to do as well as I could.  This was my best race of the weekend.  When I was finished, I collapsed - always a good sign of a good race. The emerging time standard for the 3k is 5:09.  I got 5:10. I was the only C3 competing, so I won the National Championship jersey.  Oh well, Sunday was the most important day. 

Official results 

Gold medal in 3k pursuit

Yeah, we need to work on my podium efforts.

I woke up Sunday morning and pus was dripping out of my right ear.  I went to the track and had the EMTs clean it out.  I warmed up. I did a couple of good starts and efforts.  Right before the races started the officials came over and told me that I was being reclassed as a C4.  First of all, this meant that I was racing someone and I was the lower seed, so I would start on the backside.  We already know that I don't start well on the backside. In addition, this meant that I was racing against a much lower (lower meaner faster) time standard. I didn't do a good of preparing for the race.  There were a lot of people there that I knew (my family, etc.) and so I tried to play it cool. As a result, I was unfocused at the start line.  I false started once.  That threw me off.  The race itself was pathetic.  I knew I needed to do well, but I didn't.  I finished with a 51.15 (or something like that).  Emerging for C3, but nowhere near emerging for C4 and clearly not under 50 seconds.

But all is not lost.  In the conversations about my class preceding my race from Sunday, my attendance at the World Championships was discussed.  I don't want to jinx it, so I am not going to say anything.  Fingers crossed.

Every time I see this photo I am reminded of how stupid we all look.

Chris and Pax - Chris deserves his own medal for putting up with Pax and I for an entire weekend!

Pax warming up on my pink road bike.

Couldn't have said it better myself..

You need a man, not a boy!

Do you See Three?

If you read about road nats (but I don't care because I am over it! Repeat three times!), then you know that my classification is all up in the air.  "Most" people seem to think I am a C3, which would be awesome because there are no other women C3s on the National Team or in the US and there are very few in the world.

Coach was in Colorado Springs last week and had a chance to talk to the National Team coaches.  Instead of racing as a C4 at Track Nats, they acknowledged that the classification at road nats was a little screwy and they allowed me to change my classification to C3.  Although it isn't an official classification, that means that the standards I am racing towards are higher (that's good).  We moved from 98% improbable to 97% improbable. I'll take it.